To inaugurate this blog, I give you the first episode of what I’m sure will become a series, Things You Shouldn’t Do. TYSD is brought you by Grad School, because, as it turns out, for every bit of classical history and Greek vocabulary you memorize, you lose a little bit of, well, common sense. Also, you become rather absent-minded. Date of the Battle of Aigospotamoi? Remembering to shampoo your hair (seriously, I forgot to do this at least 5 times this last semester). Names of the Julio-Claudian emperors? Thawing the chicken before you use it. The Passive Periphrastic? Taking an umbrella as clouds gather on the horizon. And let’s not even mention the mi-verb system.
On today’s episode of TYSD, we find me trying to spray paint an apple. I’m going to an Epic Cycle-themed birthday party tomorrow, which means characters from the Iliad, Odyssey, and all the other parts of the Epic Cycle that didn’t get preserved because their author didn’t share the same name as a Simpson’s character. I’ll be going as Eris, the goddess of discord, chaos, strife, etc. In Homer, she pretty much stirs up trouble during battle. In Hesiod, there are two of her, one good (the one that makes men strive to do better) and one bad (the one that causes quarrels, etc.). In DreamWorks’ Sinbad, she has the most epic hair ever. …but I digress. In many versions, Eris is responsible for stirring up rivalry between Hera, Aphrodite, and Athena at the wedding of Peleus and Thetis (Achilles’ parents), which ultimately leads to the Trojan War. In later versions, she does so by throwing a golden apple labeled “For the fairest” in the midst of the guests.
So I need a golden apple. The Salvation Army happened to have one for only $2.99, but it was kind of small and I thought I could do better by just buying a fake one and spray painting it. However, after going to Michael’s and surveying the fake fruit inventory (fake bell peppers? Really?), I decided that I didn’t really need a fake apple — after all, what was I going to do with it when I was done being Eris? Better, I said to myself, to just spray paint a real apple and then toss it out. Right? Of course!
So rather than spend $3 on a fake, pre-gilded apple, I spent $7 on a can of gold spray paint, and then another $3.50 on a bag of apples because I decided it’d be fun to label a bunch of them “for the fairest” and place them strategically throughout the house for the other guests to find. Chaotic, maybe, but financially-sensible?
Turns out, however, that it is possible to spray paint an apple! Whether or not the paint sticks for the duration of the party, and whether the apple even survives until tomorrow evening when I need it, remain to be seen. For now, I give you:
Also, an image of Eris-in-progress. I’m wearing a curtain with some hem adjustments and a seam partially up one side, my Toph wig unstyled (it needs restyling. Actually, it needs replacing), and too much foundation and lipstick — the vampire look was unintentional. 😛
Now to go label the apples!